In my social media travels, I recently came accross this exchange between Lynn Grubb, adoptee rights advocate and writer, and commenter, Jennifer Fredericksen, family preservation advocate. It so impacted me that I asked permission to create this dialogue as a blog post. I feel it explains why people of faith not only can, but should support adoption reform and family preservation. Thank you Lynn and Jennifer for allowing me to share:
Lynn: Adoptees, adoptive and birth parents: what could the church do more of (or less of) to help you feel supported in your faith and worship? Even if you do not currently attend a place of worship I would still like to hear from you especially if you left a place of worship because of anything related to adoption.
Jennifer Fredericksen: Thank you for asking this question.
A few things I can think of that would help me and my family fit back into the church and begin to heal from adoption trauma......
1) Listen to us. Sit with adoptees and families of loss. Show up and hear our grief and loss. Validate it.
2) Research and understand that adoption does not save babies from being aborted. In fact, I have testimony from qualified professionals in the pro-life mindset that can prove such. This is huge because if they knew the facts, they would support family preservation. Expecting mothers who believe adoption is their only birthing option will abort before relinquishing.
3) Prepare a sermon, or many that digs into scripture explaining the real meaning of adoption in the Bible. I have never heard a sermon from the pulpit to support the way our churches promote adoption? I had to read if for myself and study what God says about the importance of family and how adoption is not His design.....which explains the grief and damage adoption has done to my family. Why did I have to find this out on my own?
4) All Pastors need to read the "Primal Wound" to understand the trauma of a child and mother separated at birth. If we are going to be "pro-life" we need to care about the wellbeing of child and mother as well.
5) When there is an unexpected pregnancy in the church family it is imperative how we handle it. Embrace the expecting mother. Do not judge her or her family. Come along side of them and celebrate the new family member with all the family. I can not tell you how many people told us they were sorry to hear of the pregnancy. I recall one person congratulating me. I was stunned by this. A baby is not a sin......it is a gift from God for the parents and family, not for another family.
6) Make sure the church comes alongside the expecting grandparents to assure them their importance in supporting their son or daughter AND grandchild.
7) This one is big for me......it literally makes me physically ill. Stop promoting pregnancy centers that promote adoption as a beautiful, selfless option. Along with propping up open adoption. Open adoption is not legally binding. Be aware of what we are supporting financially. Relinquishing a baby is devastating to a mother and child. We should not support anything that causes such trauma...abortion and adoption is trauma. We need to promote parenting. Adoption should rarely take place. We have to educate the pregnancy centers.
I am not against these centers, I want to support them. But they need to know the facts on adoption.
8 ) I am certain Pastors have no idea the messages I receive from so many who suffer from adoption trauma. Their Faith and Salvation is in a crisis. For adoption to be God's plan, one mother must lose a baby and grieve this loss all her life while the other mother is blessed? God surely loves this adoptive mother and hates the other for this to happen. And for the adoptee.....God must love others more because they got to stay with their biological family. And the adoptee was separated by God from his/her family. This adoption theology, I believe, is responsible for so many never coming to Christ or their rejecting Him. THIS is a serious matter. I do not want to be responsible for this.
Just so everyone knows....
I want every baby born. I believe every mother and baby should always be given the chance to stay together. I believe most adoptive parents have good intentions and have no judgment at all with them. Except the ones who lie, coerce, and feel entitled to someone else's child. It's real, it happens.
I love Jesus, and I want more than ANYTHING to be back in church with my family.....I miss every part of being a church family. We keep trying. But it would be encouraging to know some of these things above that trigger our trauma, can at the very least be discussed and taken seriously.
We as Christians and churches can do better and make family preservation our goal before adoption.
Sorry this is so long. But I have been waiting for years for someone to ask this question.
Excellent advice for churches of all denominations. I've always been disheartened by the response of "Christian" churches to the plight of unmarried mothers. The message they got from the church was that their "sin", unlike any other, was not paid for by Jesus. No, they were required to sacrifice their (often) first-born children on the altar of closed, secret, inhumane adoption. No other "sin" required this sacrifice. What's more, the church - in its "righteousness" - has never required that prospective adoptive parents swear to having been virgins before marriage. So in effect, the church has judged the "sin" of premarital sex based on whether or not it resulted in conception. Pregnancy: punishment. No pregnancy: reward (with the fruit of someone else's womb). That's precisely what happens when the church usurps its authority and ignores the very basis of Christianity.
ReplyDeleteVery good points! Thanks for your comment.
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