What About Adoptee Confidentiality?

Adoptee rights advocates aren't here to make you feel warm and fuzzy. We bring the difficult conversations into the light. This is an integral part of our mission. We are the end users of the social construct of adoption. Whether it is to shed light on the inadequacy of current systems, or the educating of legislators on the need for greater transparency, we are here to strike up the difficult conversations.  

Among those conversations is the recent practice of agencies, both public and private, sharing very personal information of minor children on social media platforms, blogs, and websites. This practice is justified by some agencies,  saying it helps to get children into loving homes that are better equipped to provide a nurturing environment. They may also argue that it elicits a level of sympathy and can serve as a catalyst for someone who might not otherwise be looking at adoption. In an attempt to safeguard, there are regulations in place with regard to children in foster care about what shared information is permitted. However, based on a website I stumbled upon of previously adopted children, whose parents are seeking new homes for them there are no safeguards in place. The idea of the website is to provide the children with a loving home, more suited to their specific needs, since they were displaced from their adoptive homes. This is known as rehoming. Most of the posts did not include why the child was no longer welcome or suited to the original “forever family,” only that a new family was needed and the myriad of challenges the child’s behaviors presented. Many of these children were adopted from foreign countries. Many were lacking an invested parent to advocate for them. All had their personal "detriments," traumas, and disabilities displayed for the general public to see on a public site.

This is saying nothing of what was promised to the birth/first mother upon relinquishment, and what her expectations for her baby were as she sent them thousands of miles across sea and land, I urge you to ponder what happens when that child reaches adulthood. When they Google their name...visit their online story, what will they see? There is often a grieving process for an adoptee immediately following receipt of their confidential non id info (if they can get it at all). Non ID information refers to the information available to them for the adoption agency or the state about the time before they were adopted. This grieving process is normal, and receiving this information is important to an adoptee's identity development and sense of self. Now imagine the added complication of having to process that - not only were they perceived as unwanted by their [first] adoptive family, but everyone knows it. The entire internet. Googling yourself is a common activity for people today. Finding out that your very person al information is out there, for literally all to see is a major trauma. 

Forgotten in these public online posts, as is the case in many adoption customs and laws, is the fact that adopted children, like all children, grow up. They become adults. The fact that the choices regarding public disclosure of information that their guardians at the time made in haste and under duress, when they were perhaps very young children, remains relevant for their entire life. Once private information is “out there” on social media, it is public information, out of the control of it’s owner, or even the original poster. Someone who was granted authority to do what was “in the best interests of the child,” could well cause them trauma as an adult, leaving much of the earlier trauma work to unravel, decades later. We all care about children. If you are reading this, it is likely you want to do what is best. But our job isn’t to stop caring as soon as the child leaves care, or even leaves childhood. I challenge agencies, both public and private, to take a closer look at this practice. As a friend of mine so often quotes, "when we know better, we do better."

Christian Guest Blogger

In my social media travels, I recently came accross this exchange between Lynn Grubb, adoptee rights advocate and writer, and commenter, Jennifer Fredericksen, family preservation advocate. It so impacted me that I asked permission to create this dialogue as a blog post. I feel it explains why people of faith not only can, but should support adoption reform and family preservation. Thank you Lynn and Jennifer for allowing me to share:
Lynn: Adoptees, adoptive and birth parents: what could the church do more of (or less of) to help you feel supported in your faith and worship? Even if you do not currently attend a place of worship I would still like to hear from you especially if you left a place of worship because of anything related to adoption.

Jennifer Fredericksen: Thank you for asking this question. 
A few things I can think of that would help me and my family fit back into the church and begin to heal from adoption trauma......

1) Listen to us. Sit with adoptees and families of loss. Show up and hear our grief and loss. Validate it.

2) Research and understand that adoption does not save babies from being aborted. In fact, I have testimony from qualified professionals in the pro-life mindset that can prove such. This is huge because if they knew the facts, they would support family preservation. Expecting mothers who believe adoption is their only birthing option will abort before relinquishing.

3) Prepare  a sermon, or many that digs into scripture explaining the real meaning of adoption in the Bible. I have never heard a sermon from the pulpit to support the way our churches promote adoption? I had to read if for myself and study what God says about the importance of family and how adoption is not His design.....which explains the grief and damage adoption has done to my family. Why did I have to find this out on my own?

4) All Pastors need to read the "Primal Wound" to understand the trauma of a child and mother separated at birth. If we are going to be "pro-life" we need to care about the wellbeing of child and mother as well. 

5) When there is an unexpected pregnancy in the church family it is imperative how we handle it.  Embrace the expecting mother. Do not judge her or her family. Come along side of them and celebrate the new family member with all the family. I can not tell you how many people told us they were sorry to hear of the pregnancy. I recall one person congratulating me. I was stunned by this. A baby is not a sin......it is a gift from God for the parents and family, not for another family.

6) Make sure the church comes alongside the expecting grandparents to assure them their importance in supporting their son or daughter AND grandchild.

7) This one is big for me......it literally makes me physically ill.  Stop promoting pregnancy centers that promote adoption as a beautiful, selfless option. Along with propping up open adoption. Open adoption is not legally binding. Be aware of what we are supporting financially.  Relinquishing a baby is devastating to a mother and child. We should not support anything that causes such trauma...abortion and adoption is trauma.  We need to promote parenting. Adoption should rarely take place. We have to educate the pregnancy centers.
I am not against these centers, I want to support them. But they need to know the facts on adoption.

8 ) I am certain Pastors have no idea the messages I receive from so many who suffer from adoption trauma. Their Faith and Salvation is in a crisis. For adoption to be God's plan, one mother must lose a baby and grieve this loss all her life while the other mother is blessed? God surely loves this adoptive mother and hates the other for this to happen. And for the adoptee.....God must love others more because they got to stay with their biological family. And the adoptee was separated by God from his/her family. This adoption theology, I believe, is responsible for so many never coming to Christ or their rejecting Him. THIS is a serious matter. I do not want to be responsible for this.

Just so everyone knows....

I want every baby born. I believe every mother and baby should always be given the chance to stay together. I believe most adoptive parents have good intentions and have no judgment at all with them.  Except the ones who lie, coerce, and feel entitled to someone else's child.  It's real, it happens.
I love Jesus, and I want more than ANYTHING to be back in church with my family.....I miss every part of being a church family.  We keep trying. But it would be encouraging to know some of these things above that trigger our trauma, can at the very least be discussed and taken seriously.

We as Christians and churches can do better and make family preservation our goal before adoption. 

Sorry this is so long. But I have been waiting for years for someone to ask this question.